Chapter 8

They left the gathering then, hand in hand, laughing, almost running through the castle halls until they reached the door to Rowan's rooms. Rowan opened the door for her then closed it behind them, turning the key in its lock. It was strange to be in his rooms. They were in a receiving room of sorts. There was a table covered in maps, a desk, some chairs. It was all very functional, very masculine. He took her hand again and lead her into his bed chamber and closed that door behind them as well. Rowan lit candles then knelt before the hearth and lit a small fire to take the chill out of the room. Kristabell looked around wondering if it was always as spotlessly tidy as it was now, or if he had cleaned up for her, and then he came to her, gently put his hands in her hair and slowly kissed her. This was alien territory to Kristabell. She wanted to touch his face, so she did and he kissed her again then began carefully taking down her hair, making sure he'd gotten all the rose buds and pins out before uncoiling the braid and loosening it with his fingers. Then he started unlacing her dress. It felt like there were more laces to take it off than there had been to put it on. He helped her step out of it then draped it over a chair. Kristabell reached for the buttons on his collar and undid them then slid her hands under his shirt, feeling the smooth warm skin underneath. He pulled the shirt off, pulled down the bedding, then suddenly, so that she shrieked and laughed breathlessly in surprise, scooped her up and lay her on the bed. He kicked off his boots and breaches and lay beside her kissing her and their arms went automatically around each other. They kissed and caressed one another and it was the most wonderful feeling but the further they went the more the little seed of panic in Kristabell's breast threatened to overwhelm her. There were things she was ignoring, and as much as she wanted everything to be simple and uncomplicated between herself and Rowan she had to face the fact that they were not simple and uncomplicated and she cried out, “Rowan we have to stop!”

The look of anguish on his face was almost more than she could bear. “Kristabell? I thought that  you . . .” He sounded so hurt.

She understood his confusion and said right away, “Rowan I love you so much and I want to be with you every night and have your babies and spend the rest of my life beside you and I want it so bad it hurts. Please don't think I don't want this.”

“What is it then?” he asked, still confused but looking less hurt. He was stroking her hair and looking down into her eyes.

“It's just that I'm . . .” She took a deep shaky breath, “It's just that I'm scared.” Kristabell could feel hot tears pouring down her temples and into her hair.

Rowan put his arms around her and said, “You don't need to be afraid. I wouldn't hurt you.”

She shook her head, “No, no. I'm not afraid of that, not of you. I trust you.”

“Then what's wrong?” he asked, not at all annoyed with her, just concerned and confused.

She tried to think of where to start and it seemed simplest to start at the beginning. “Four weeks ago, my life was very different from what it is now, and I lived in a world that made me miserable. Now I'm here with people I love, and I've never been happier than I am right now. But I'm terrified of losing this. I don't care what Gwydion says, I can't rest easy. Somehow I brought myself here and I don't know how. I just randomly wandered out of my own world one day. What if it happens again? I know that I did it, but I can't control it. What if I wandered away from you? What if we keep on like this and I get pregnant? I could end up alone with a baby in a strange world far away from either you or my parents. They don't even know where I am right now and I feel so guilty about that. The thing that scares me the most is the idea that, I could be with you, time could pass, we could have a child together, and I could be separated from both of you. Rowan, if that happened, if I couldn't get back to you, my heart would break into a million pieces. How would you feel if you just . . . couldn't find me one day.” 

He had his arms around her and she was crying into his chest. “I'm sorry,” Rowan spoke softly. “I should have thought this through more completely and realized that you might feel this way. I forget that you weren't raised in this world. To me you belong here. And,” he sighed, “You're probably right. I haven't been doing my most logical thinking lately. I've been living in a dream. Leif says that I'm not thinking with my head. All I've been able to think about lately is how much I love you, and how much I want you.” 

She looked at him, her deep blue eyes glistening. “Say it again,” she smiled faintly.

“I'm sorry.” He looked it and she felt bad because it wasn't what she had wanted him to say.

“No, no. Not that,” she told him, softly, apologetically.

“You're right?”

“No. The other thing.”

“I want you.” He couldn't keep the impish look off his face.

“Now you're teasing.”

“Well, I'm not thinking with my head.”

“What are you thinking with?”

“My heart . . . Mostly.”

“And what is it telling you?”

“It's telling me that I love you,” he said smiling.

“I love you too,” she smiled back. She couldn't help it.

        They lay there quietly for a short space of time feeling a strange combination of elation, confusion and disappointment. Eventually Rowan took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. “I have to leave here. Not tomorrow, but the next day, to go to the King's council. There is an army massing on the northern border. Seamus wants to force our hand. There is . . . concern. Warranted concern.”

Kristabell found it strange to see Rowan change before her eyes, losing the calm quality she always thought of as distinctly his and taking on a tense efficient aura. “I want you to come with me. I have reservations about taking you out on the roads right now, but, I have reservations about leaving you here too. I want to take you to the fairies.” He looked at her and even though she didn't want to leave Fiannasmere Kristabell couldn't help feel a little thrill at the idea. Rowan continued talking. “I have a good relationship with their King, or,” he shrugged, “as good a relationship as an outsider can have with any of their kind. But some of the fay can walk between the worlds. They will be able to tell you how you crossed over and, at the very least, teach you how to prevent it happening again if not actually teach you how to control and use it.”

“But Gwydion said . . .?”

Rowan put his fingers over her lips like he had four weeks ago. “I know what Gwydion said. Just trust me for now. When we get to Lugh's stronghold things will make a lot more sense. They might even be able to get a message to your parents.”

“Do you really think they could do that!” Kristabell wrapped her arms around Rowan tightly and looked into his face intensely.

“I don't know,” Rowan sighed. “Fairies and humans have historically had a strange relationship. There is a taboo. We don't get too closely involved with them, they don't get too closely involved with us. Apparently it wasn't always this way but now and for the last several hundred years the relationship has been touchy. We go to them for healing and they come to us for barley flour. It's a strange trade, but . . .” Rowan shrugged again.

Kristabell remembered what Rowan had said about an army on the northern border. “If there's an army in the north, then that means you'll have to go fight, doesn't it?”

Rowan's face worked for a moment and his mouth formed a bitter line. He nodded. “I didn't want to think about these things tonight, but whatever happens . . .” he paused and swallowed. “If anything ever happens to me, you'll always have a home here. My family will take care of you.” 

Kristabell felt her tears running again and pooling on Rowan's chest. Even if she wanted to spend forever with him, she might not get to. As if he were reading her thoughts, he said, “This doesn't seem to be a very good time for us, does it.”

Kristabell looked up and smiled even as she dripped and said, “I don't think that love considers the convenience of the people whose lives it complicates. But I would rather love you than not.”

“Then . . . You'll stay tonight?”

“Of course I'll stay,” she said softly and kissed him. “I said yes didn't I?”     

“Yes, you did,” there was a note of wonder in his voice but a glint of mischief in his eyes as he rolled so that he was pinning her down. “And even if it drives me insane with passionate, frustrated, lust to have such a beautiful girl in my bed and not have my way with her,” he rolled off. “I would rather have you beside me than spend our nights apart.” He smiled.

“That's good because, I hadn't planned on leaving,” Kristabell told him sheepishly.

Rowan laughed and Kristabell was amazed by how good it felt to hear him laugh.