Chapter 21

Rowan withdrew Cole's blade and extended his hand to the kneeling Angel. Raphael reached out tentatively and took it, allowing Rowan to help him rise and they stood breathing hard in the deafening silence that surrounded them. “If you were five years older . . . had five more years of experience, I wouldn't have been able to do that,” Rowan admitted gasping. “You leave yourself open just a little on the left.”

Raphael nodded, breathing too hard to reply.

“I've seldom fought someone so close to my equal,” Rowan continued, screwing up his face as he fought to regain his breath. “That was . . . very challenging.”

Raphael found his voice, “I've never been pushed to the limit like that either. That was . . .” he stopped to breathe and shook his head in disbelief at how completely winded he was, “Something else altogether.”

They stood, breathing for another moment or two. Rhiannon still had the sound of metal on metal clanging about in her head and though her heart was somewhat quieter now, the release of tension when the fighting had stopped had left her feeling lightheaded, exposed, and fragile. She hadn't realized that her father was there until she felt his hand on her shoulder. She reached her own hand up and placed it on his in appreciation, but she still couldn't take her eyes off of Rowan and Raphael.

“I know that what I'm about to ask of you is unfair, but we are living in a time when everything is difficult and hurtful on some level,” Rowan said to the Angel, then looked down for a moment hesitating to go forward with a request that would indeed be very heavy. He looked back at Raphael who no longer had any anger burning in his eyes, only sadness. “Would you continue as her guardian? Will you keep Rhiannon safe for me? I don't trust anyone else to be able to do it as effectively as you've already proven you can.” He levelled his eyes on Raphael and waited. Rowan's face looked hard for a moment but Rhiannon knew, and Raphael did too, that it was only because he was holding back tears, because Rowan himself wouldn't be there, couldn't stay by her side, to keep her safe himself.

“Of course. Always. You can trust me, absolutely . . .” the angel's face worked for a moment before he continued, “but I won't be able to stop loving her.”

“I know . . . I know. That's why it hurts so much,” Rowan said, voice heavy.

Raphael nodded and walked away alone and Rowan turned to Rhiannon.

Everyone else, the some fifty Fay that had gathered to watch and their more immediate family and friends, were left with the sense that staying would be an invasion, and turned their backs and wandered off. Rowan walked to Rhiannon and knelt before her once more, but this time he buried his face in her lap and they stayed like that and she stroked his hair as the golden sun disappeared behind the trees.

*

Once darkness had fallen and the world was hidden in a cloak of black velvet, Rowan lifted his head, “This doesn't seem to be a very good time for us. Does it.” He repeated what he'd said to her their first night together.

“Love didn't give us a choice, but even if it had,” Rhiannon asked softly, “Would you give this up?”

“No. Not for the sun, the moon, and all the stars. Not for a moment,” he said holding her face in his hands and kissing her.

“Good. Because neither would I,” she answered back. “And I think that Nimue is right over there waiting for us with a lantern so we should stop kissing and go to her.”

Rowan chuckled and rose to his feet, taking Rhiannon's hands in his own and drawing her up with him. They walked to where Nimue was indeed standing holding a magenta blown glass lantern and waiting for them. Cole stood with her, and as they approached he drew away from her slightly although they still held hands. “Here,” Rowan said returning the sword to Cole. “It's a good sword that. Good balance. Thank you for lending it to me.”

Rhiannon found Cole's reaction adorable. She couldn't help smiling as he took the sword back reverently from the captain he idolized and said, “Never again will anyone hear me bemoan my plain sword. I will carry this sword until the day I die.”

Rowan laughed, tossing his head back. “I'm guessing that fight is going to leave an impression that'll stick around for a while?”

“Yes Sir. I don't think there's any doubt about that,” Cole said smiling.

“In fact the entire stronghold is buzzing with it, so my father has arranged for dinner in his rooms. Just a small group of us so that we don't have to listen to all of the gossip,” Nimue added.

“Oh, thank the stars. I couldn't handle dinner in the dinning hall tonight!” Rhiannon breathed in relief.

And they wandered in for dinner and sat around a table of friends and family. Lugh had even made sure that Raphael was there with them at the table and, although he was very subdued he was not, it seemed, so torn apart that he wasn't fit for company. They said goodby that night to Gwydion and Nessa who would be departing for the city early the next morning by the main road disguised as an old clerk and his granddaughter. He had convinced Nessa to come and work as a spy for him instead of joining the army as, a beautiful young woman with a sword was a terrible thing to waste in his mind. Not to suggest that spying would be safer than the army. He simply meant that as a female she could do things and get places that a man couldn't. The fact that she could and would kill if necessary made her more valuable as a spy, so she'd agreed to it. Rhiannon hugged Nessa and Nessa raised a wry eyebrow, “Don't let them push you around. Remember, you're the boss.”

“Easier said than done Nessa,” Rhiannon replied.

“I know,” Nessa sighed. “Take care of Rowan, I know he doesn't need it but . . .” She blinked. “And try not to cry too much,” Nessa tacked on at the end, then embraced Rowan and left the room. The others wasted no time in retiring for the night as it would be an early morning and soon enough Rhiannon found herself behind closed doors once more.

*

In a night gown sitting cross-legged on the bed Rhiannon placed her hands on either side of her head and pressed. “Why does it have to be this way Rowan? I don't feel like the kind of person who has all this history leading up to me. What am I supposed to do about Raphael? You saw the way he looked at me at dinner? We should have stayed in this afternoon. I wish I hadn't had to watch you fight him.”

Rowan looked at her, “You know that I had to fight him. It wasn't only personal and it would have happened sooner or later. I'm in a position of authority and I have a reputation to maintain. If I hadn't been able to best Raphael it may have lessened me in the eyes of some. I had to fight him and win. I couldn't afford to lose or appear to be afraid to try. Not right now.”

Rhiannon nodded but then looked up at Rowan, “Make it all go away Rowan, for twenty minutes, half an hour? Please? Just block it all out for me. I need you.”

Rowan put his arms around her and kissed her.

*

As they lay there drifting off Rowan said to her, “Your going to have to talk to him . . . To your Angel. He needs some kindness from you. You can't take your anger at your situation out on him. I see you doing it in small ways. His heart's broken Rhiannon. It's different for he and I to show animosity towards one another. As shallow as it sounds, we're male. We try to kill each other and then have done with it. But even if he's relinquished the anger that he felt towards me . . .” Rowan sighed, “Sometimes anger is the quickest to burn away, but love lasts forever. Love doesn't die. It would be a little easier for him, if you would be kind to him.”

Rhiannon nodded in the dark.

*

It wasn't the noise outside that woke her as she lay there in the warm darkness and tried to figure out why she was awake. What was nagging at her? Aw cripes, she rolled over in frustration. I have to pee. She lay there for a few more minutes before admitting that she wouldn't be able to ignore it and go back to sleep. She told herself, for future reference, that she needed to remember to drink a big glass of water before dinner not right before bed, as her bladder was obviously, already, losing space. She tiptoed to the bathroom and it was only as she was returning that she heard the sounds from outside. Nothing frightening, or maybe they were frightening sounds, just not frightening in the typical sense. There was something that Rhiannon found frightening about what Raphael felt for her though, and the sound of his almost stifled sobs coming from the other side of the stained glass doors. She wouldn't be able to sleep now that she could hear him, and guilt was burning in her breast because Rowan had been right about what she was doing. Taking her anger out on Raphael. In the formal courtesy she showed him. In her reluctance to meet his eyes. She was being passive aggressive, which she'd never done to anyone before. But anger was easier.

She'd lain awake thinking about it and recognizing that he couldn't have revealed himself to her. He couldn't have remained her detached guardian if he'd been climbing in her window to spend time with her instead. It was a completely different circumstance from what had happened with Evan, and Raphael didn't deserve her anger. She bit her lip and slipped on some shoes, pulled on a sweater over her nightgown and wrapped herself in a shawl. She listened to Rowan's breath for a moment but he was breathing deeply and slowly, fast asleep. She kissed his brow lightly then slipped out through the doors. The moon was bright over head, still nearly full. Had it truly been only the other night that she had danced with Rowan under that moon? She leaned her forehead against the cold glass for a moment, reluctant to turn and face the angel who was breathing raggedly and standing on the grass below the patio. She could hear him looking at her. Would more time make this easier, or would it just waste time? She wondered, then turned. Down the stone stairs, across the grass. “Let's walk down to the water's edge,” she said to Raphael when she reached him, and he followed her down to the beach where they stood silently in the still cold night.

“I don't know if I can do this Raphael,” she said, watching her feet as the waves nearly met her toes.

“Do what?” he asked, subdued.

“Be strong and kind and brave, all of the time. I feel stretched thin.”

Raphael was silent for a moment before speaking, “I've let you down in more ways than I understand, haven't I?”

She shook her head and took his hand, drawing him over to a log where she sat. He took a seat next to her. “No you haven't. You haven't let me down at all. This just . . .” she took a deep breath. “This just sucks . . . and it hurts, that's all.” She looked up at him.

Raphael chuckled softly by her side, “That's definitely one way of putting it.” But then his face fell, “I'm sorry for making things more . . . difficult. I'm not good at hiding my feelings.”

Rhiannon looked up at his face. He truly was very beautiful and somehow the sadness just made him more so. “Does it hurt more or less to know that I would have loved you back if things had played out differently?” she asked gently.

“Hard to say right now. Bit of both I think.”

“Should I have kept that to myself?” she wondered out loud. She had no real frame of reference for this situation and questioned everything she said and did.

He looked down at her and his face worked for a moment but then settled into a sad smile, “No. I would rather know.” He leaned towards her and kissed the top of her head. “Crap you're short. I really have to lean down a ways. I guess I am a bit too tall for you,” he said in a gallant attempt at flippancy.

They sat in silence, looking out at the moonlit ocean and when a breeze picked up Raphael shifted closer to her and raised a wing, sheltering her there. “I know that this will sound terribly lame. It feels a bit lame to me too, but do you think that we could try being friends? It's an uncomfortable and rather horrible cliche, I know, not a consolation prize at all. But it would be easier for me to know that we were trying to be friends, you know, if you're going to keep hanging around outside my window? We haven't had some tortured and demented teenaged love affair to get in the way of that. You never know. It could work?” she looked at him hopefully as they sat together.

The corners of his mouth gave a minute twitch but he spoke heavily, “I'll think it over. But right now, not to sound bossy, you should go in. Come on, I'll walk you to your door.” He rose and held out his hands to help her up but let go of her as soon as she was standing. They walked back across the grass and up the stone stairs to her door.

“Goodnight Raphael.”

“Goodnight Rhiannon.”

She turned towards the door then turned back to Raphael. “Raphael?” she called and he turned back to her. “Here,” she said taking out her other earring and giving it to him.

He took it but said, “Are you sure? This is all you have left of him? He loved you, you know.”

Rhiannon sighed realizing that Raphael must have been sitting in the willow tree at her old home eighteen months ago, the evening Evan had given her the little earrings as a birthday gift, and had seen the things she'd been blind to. “Don't bring up Evan tonight Raph, not now. Just take the damned earring.”

Raphael took the tiny earring reverently, smiling a little, “Thank you.”

“Goodnight Raphael,” she smiled, then turned back to the door.

“Goodnight.”

She closed the door behind her. Rowan had lit a candle and was sitting on the edge of the bed. “I was just going to come looking for you.”

“I was outside talking to Raphael. You were sleeping so soundly, I didn't want to wake you,” she said, kicking off her shoes and shivering as she bundled herself back into bed.

“How did it go?” Rowan asked.

Rhiannon looked up at the gossamer canopy asking herself the exact same question. “He confuses me Rowan. Would you just please hold me until I go back to sleep?” she asked, shaking, mostly, but not entirely, from the cold. And Rowan blew out the candle, put his arms around her, and they slept.