Chapter 18

At the end of February Sheila and I set things up at the Garden centre so that I would be able to take Sulamith to work with me. I had the most bizarre feeling walking back into Buds and Blossoms with Sulamith on my hip. It was one of the uncomfortable realities of my decision to go back to the world of my birth. Things are different here. The general expectation of young people is that they will finish high school, go to university, college, or trade school, party, travel—whatever—establish a career, and only then, settle down and contemplate having children. But birth control makes all of that possible. (Okay, I'll admit that abstinence does too, but that's really not my thing and I don't know many other young people who really go for it either.) At nineteen, recently returned, I didn't fit into that general expectation. I was, for all intents and purposes, an unwed, uneducated, heavily tattooed, teenaged mother, and don't ever let anyone tell you that there isn't a stigma in Canada against teenaged mothers. Some people view us as social pariah and automatically assume that it could only be the result of a gross lapse in judgment, or of wild behaviour, or poor parenting on the part of the girl's parents. I never tried to explain or defend myself, I just tried to set a good example and be a good mother. But I knew ahead of time that going back out into the public world might be hard sometimes.

The day before I went back to work, Sheila and I went out in the morning to buy a few baby gates, a second playpen, and a super saucer—Sulamith was crawling by then and I needed to be able to fence her in and occasionally immobilize her. We then headed to the garden centre to install the gates and clear a corner of the greenhouse. I'd picked my outfit carefully that morning, conscious of the fact that I was seeing Tanya for the first time in a year and a half, and meeting Brittany, the high school student who worked there after school and on Saturdays. I put on a knee length India cotton dress with an ethnic looking print in deep red, indigo, and brown, a keyhole neckline, and loose sleeves that gathered at the cuffs. I wore it over black leggings with Rowan's old boots—which looked like the trendiest thing in existence that year. I pulled a brown knitted zip-front hoodie over the dress and a cute blue denim jacket that I'd picked up at a thrift store over that and checked my reflection in the hall mirror. I combed my fingers through my newly cut bangs, pulled my hair over one shoulder and stared uncertainly. “You look smart. That dress suits you,” Sheila commented as she bustled into the entrance and passed me Sulamith.

After we'd picked up the baby gear and were sitting in the car on the way to Cambie and 43rd Avenue Sheila gave me a heads up of sorts, “Tanya, of course, knows a bit of your background so I had to give her a little more on exactly how it was that you didn't die in the house fire. I gave her the cover story Flanagan suggested. You had to leave for your own safety yada yada, but Brittany is a different matter. She's the nicest kid in the world and a great dependable employee, but she does sometimes degrade into a tactless bimbo. If she chatters away at you too much and asks you things that you'd rather not talk about, just tell her that you don't talk about those things. She'll get it eventually.”

And so I was back at my old job. Stopping in that first afternoon broke the ice. The garden centre was always quiet at that time of the year—no more than five or so customers around at the most—and walking into most social situations with an adorable baby on your hip, well, it sort of diffuses things. There was one customer browsing the one-of-a-kind birdbaths as Sheila introduced me to Brittany, and Tanya came wandering out of the stock room.

Brittany did show her tactless bimbo side for a few minutes with her, “OhmyGod, your baby is so cute. OhmyGod,where did you get those boots? Are those real tattoos?”

“Thanks . . . um yeah, they're real, and my boots are from the cobbler on my husband's family estate,” I told her, not being sure what to say about boots that she couldn't get at the mall, but in hindsight I should have lied and said “Value Village”, because the first thing out of her mouth was, “Ohmygod, you're married?”

“No,” I said softly.

“Oh,” she said, confused. Then, “You're . . . divorced . . . ?”

“No . . . I'm not divorced.” I said and watched her think it through and then blanch to a shade of white only redheads are usually capable of. I was only a year and ten months older than her, but she was smarter than she made herself out to be and it didn't take her long to figure out that there was a big difference between our actual age gap and our experiential age gap and that I was in essence much older than her. In truth I think she was a little intimidated by me, which was a new and unusual sensation in this world.

Tanya smiled shyly at first and said simply, “Hi. It's good you're back.” But after baby gates had been installed and Sheila was busy showing Brittany how to do inventory checks on the computer she said to me, eyeing Sulamith dubiously, “Look, I'm not going to apologize because, based on what Sheila told me about your last year or so, you've been through some shit. I guess I feel like an apology at this point would come across as really trite and self-centred on my part, when you probably don't even remember that day. But, the day you disappeared, I said things behind your back that I shouldn't have, and once words are out you can't take them back.” she rolled her eyes at herself. “Anyway the reason I'm spouting platitudes at you is that I don't gossip anymore or let the people around me do it in my presence. I guess it's for largely selfish reasons, for instance, I don't ever want to feel as guilty as I did that day ever again, and people like you a whole lot better when you don't do it . . . but, I just wanted you to know.”

I nodded, “I do remember that day, and I appreciate what you're saying.”

It was Tanya's turn to nod.

*

As spring approached the garden centre got busy. A summer staff needed to be hired. Seedlings needed to be started in the greenhouse. Seeds, specialty roses, plant pots, fertilizers, and more needed to be ordered. Work took my mind off of everything and Sulamith was happy and stimulated but not overwhelmed as I only went in four days a week. Brittany was great with her and would spend almost as much time as I did doing the watering with Sulamith tied to her back in a carrier. After a few weeks even Tanya had gotten comfortable enough with her that she asked me with so much dubious caution in her voice that I laughed, “Can I uh, hold your baby?”

“I don't know if she'll settle with you. She's in the throes of some pretty intense stranger anxiety. Brittany bribed her with a banana. But we can try. If I stand close she might tolerate you.”

It was true about Sulamith and the stranger anxiety. The new situation might have been a part of what had brought it on, but she was also nine months old and according to the many books I was reading, it was normal for her age. She had gone from outrageously happy to see anyone, to coy, shy, and flirty. Sheila and Brittany were the only ones who could hold her except for me, but I was willing to give Tanya a try if she wanted.

“Uh . . . Okay,” Tanya nodded.

“She goes for the hair, and she's fast,” I warned.

Tanya nodded again and braced herself as if she were waiting for a hurricane. I passed Sulamith over.

Sulamith looked at me, a little concerned, but tolerated the pass off. “Tanya wants to say 'Hi',” I told her. And stood right next to Tanya.

“This isn't that bad,” Tanya said after a few minutes of gazing into Sulamith's dark eyes. “She's so soft, and she smells good. My boyfriend just finished his advanced bricklayer's apprenticeship and landed a pretty good job. He really wants kids but I'm not so sure. He didn't exactly give me an ultimatum, but he wants me to think it over. I'll be done my bachelor's degree in September. He wants us to try next spring . . . Is it scary? Is it hard?”

I sighed, “I suppose the responsibility is daunting . . . but scary? Men with guns are scary. Not babies. They're just lots of work.”

Tanya nodded and fingered one of Sulamith's curls as Sulamith patted Tanya's forehead then tried to pull the drawstring out of her hoodie, “I guess perspective is everything.” She was silent for another moment, “You totally don't have to answer this, but I don't have any friends outside of work who have kids to ask these questions. Why did you decide to have her, especially so young? I mean, you must be taking some flak for that.”

I sighed again. A part of me wanted to take Tanya seriously and not answer, but I could see Tanya's mind working and I didn't want her to assume that I regretted what Rowan and I had done. Not if she was trying to make a decision about her own future. “When Sulamith's dad and I first met, the timing was perfect and we were so in love, but then certain facts about my past, things that I didn't know about, came to light and made life way more complicated, but we still wanted the dream. We didn't want to give up what we thought we'd have together and having children was a part of that. We both wanted her so much, and we were so in love.” I bit my lip and brushed tears from my cheeks and Tanya, not being the sort of person to hug someone passed Sulamith back to me and stepped a bit away. I held my daughter with my eyes closed, feeling the ground beneath my feet and listening to the rain on the greenhouse roof.

When I opened my eyes Tanya was regarding me seriously. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked,” she said.

“No, it's okay. Answering wasn't as bad as I though it was going to be,” I told her.

She nodded. “So, no regrets?”

“No regrets. Some days are really hard, but I always tell myself that I only need to make it till nightfall. I can face tomorrow later.”