Chapter 6

I led Rowan down the hall to Nimue's room and opened the door as slowly and quietly as I could. I peeked my head around the door. Nimue was curled up in a tight ball sitting in the window seat looking out at the swirling snow. She might as well have been watching a television that wasn't turned on. Morgana, who was sitting by the fire and knitting a baby blanket, looked up and smiled. She and Nimue hadn't come out the day before to watch the army return. Morgana seldom left Nimue's side and I couldn't blame Nimue for not wanting to watch other peoples loved ones ride home. Not when she knew Cole wasn't coming. I couldn't keep the memories at bay as I closed the door softly behind Rowan and I, and I stood for a moment, hearing the sound of Cole and Nimue singing together, seeing Cole's sweet face and his goofy grin. Hearing Rowan say, as we'd taken the barge across the water at the beginning of our journey to the angels, “That kid can incite riots with his voice. Back when I was a Lieutenant and he had just been assigned to my regiment as a new recruit he would take out his accordion and play in the evenings. He would get everyone so riled up that I had to give him strict orders. Love songs and lullabies. That was it, and even then.” Rowan had smiled and shaken his head. “He's got a lot of magic tied up in his music.”

And now there was nothing. No more music. Nimue told me that she felt as if her voice had died too. “Cole and I, we only knew each other for two weeks. We never talked about forever. There was no understanding between us.” By understanding I knew she meant that they hadn't promised themselves to one another in the sense that Rowan and I had. “Maybe that would have come later,” she'd continued, “But I can't hear his music anymore and these cold stone walls don't sing like the trees do, I feel like my voice is dead, Rhiannon. Maybe my voice is dead?” and then she had gone wild on me, looking at me with frightened eyes and I'd had to take her hands in mine and hold her still with all of my strength to keep her from hurting herself.

I shook myself free from the memories and turned to Rowan who was looking at me uncertainly. I crossed the room to Nimue and sat next to her silently for a few moments before whispering, “It falls so heavily doesn't it?”

Without showing any other sign that she had heard me she nodded but kept on watching and then after a few minutes she turned and gave me one of her distracted delayed responses, “Rhiannon?” She smiled, but it wasn't a comforting smile and I could sense almost immediately that she was going to turn manic on me. I had, after weeks of this, developed a sense for her moods. I saw Morgana out of the corner of my eye put aside her knitting and watch. I put my hand on Nimue's. It used to be that any time we touched, the magic in us would flare and coloured lights would dance around us, but not anymore. She pulled her hand back when the lights didn't come and stood, paced a short way towards the centre of the room then turned as if she had forgotten what she had gotten up for and pushed the heel of her hand into her forehead, then looked at me and said, “I do long for rain, I wonder . . .” She spaced out again, walked to the wall and put her hand against it as if she were dizzy.

Her hair was a tangled mess so I followed her and took her hand again and asked her, “Nimue, can I brush your hair? I would like to. You can just sit and I'll get all of the tangles out?”

“But it doesn't matter. Nothing does,” she said and then laughed as her face was clouded by that strange vacant hysteria.

I looked at Rowan who was clearly shaken. It was like I had said. It was more than grief that plagued her.

“Nimue?” I took her face in my hands. “Nimue, sweetheart. Please look at me.”

Her eyes focused on my face and she stopped laughing and put her arms around me resting her head on my shoulder and I put my arms around her. “Rhiannon I can't keep myself. I can't find myself. Everything is flying around in my head.” It was the first time in days that the voice that had come out of her mouth sounded present, and as painful as the words that had come from her mouth were, it was preferable to her inane babbling and fluttering.

I waited for her to loosen her grip on me and then I led her over to the bed and sat, pulling her down so that we sat facing one another. “Nimue, maybe you’re looking for the wrong girl. Your life isn't the same as it was before you met Cole. These things change you. You can't keep the girl you were. She's gone, but you're still in there, you're just different now. Maybe you need to stop searching. Stop trying to hold on.”

Nimue nodded and sat on the bed rocking back and forth, but there was a heaviness in her eyes, a presence that was less frightening than the desperate laughter and pacing had been.

“It will rain again. The world will turn green again. Things will grow, but everything is always changing. Even us.” I looked at her, weighing whether or not I should ask Rowan further into the room. He was still standing in the shadow of the entrance. I looked to Morgana who was sitting forward now, looking pensive with her hand over her mouth. I raised my eyebrows asking the question silently and she gave a single nod.

“Rowan's here,” I said softly, and watched her reaction, wondering if these few moments of lucidity were all I was going to get, but she nodded, still looking heavy. I motioned for him to come.

He walked over and with his typical fluid grace, knelt on the floor beside us, and looked into Nimue's face, “Hey little sister. How are you?”

Nimue's face twitched, her lip quivered and she shrugged awkwardly, “I'm . . . here, um . . . I suppose,” and then, still rocking, she nodded as if to confirm to herself that it was indeed the answer that she wanted to give.

“This is a big strange castle isn't it? My home is much nicer than this. So is the stronghold,” Rowan said to her.

Nimue looked at him as if she were actually processing what he'd said. She nodded.

“Cole never liked it here either. Always called it 'A ridiculous pile o' rocks by the sea',” Rowan told her.

Nimue smiled, closed her eyes and tipped her head to the side. She stayed like that for a moment before saying, “He did, I remember. When I got here and he found me hiding out in the Fay ranks. I threw my arms around him and he laughed and said, 'I can't believe you'd come all the way to this ridiculous pile o' rocks just to see me'.”

“He wanted me to tell you something,” Rowan said gently.

I tried not to listen as he told her the words that the boy she had loved had wanted her to hear as he lay dyeing in the dark. They weren't meant for my ears, but her fingers found mine so I held on to her hand as Rowan said to her, “He wanted you to know that his heart was at home when he was with you, and he died saying that he had known love, and that he was glad of it.”

I looked at Rowan, wondering how many times over the years he'd had to do that, and if it got to him. I don't think that it's something I could have done so gently, and without choking up.

Nimue bit her lip and nodded. I could see tears gathering and pooling in her eyes before they dropped onto her lap and she nodded again and said, “I think I'm going to cry very loudly for a while. Do you mind leaving?” she asked Rowan.

He nodded and rose.

“Will you stay for a little?” she asked me.

“I will,” I said. Then, to Rowan, “Have Wilhelm bring some lunch up for us would you? I'll be there in a little while.”

He nodded and Morgana left with him.

It didn't take Nimue long to exhaust herself and she looked at me eventually and said, “Rhiannon I'm so tired.”

“I know . . . I know,” I said to her, weary and nauseous myself. I did manage to get her hair brushed and braided before she fell asleep. The whole while Rowan's words echoed in my mind, “It seems such a small thing, but at least I can get the tangles out of your hair.”