Chapter 14

When I opened the door to my bed chamber Heather was sitting in the corner sewing. I briefly wondered where Nimue had gone but was relieved in a way that she wasn't there and I let the thought go. Sulamith was making little 'waking baby' grunts and starting to squirm. “Thank you. You can go,” I said absently to Heather and she gathered her things and rose to go but hesitated briefly.

“You look tired. Shall I have your dinner sent to your rooms?” she asked without beating around the bush or attempting small talk, which I appreciated.

“Yes please Heather. And, thank you. I appreciate it.”

Heather nodded and swept out as I lifted Sulamith and settled with her in my preferred chair so that she could nurse.

I had a feeling of disbelief in me. A feeling I'd only had when reading a story whose ending I didn't like, but I was awake and I could feel a truth in what I knew was going to happen next. It wasn't the ending I had hoped for so very much, but I'd realized that it wasn't an ending at all. It was a middle. I'm still in the middle of the story, I thought to myself, and I almost lost my nerve. But this is how the story is going to go, I told myself. It doesn't matter if you believe it yet. Sulamith was fussing in my arms so I lifted her to my shoulder for a moment, feeling her plump baby warmth. She gave a small burp and I offered her my other breast, where she settled in happily. I took a deep breath. I knew what I needed to do. I knew then, where I needed to go.

I ate my dinner and shared my sweet potatoes with Sulamith. It was the first time in weeks that eating had given me any satisfaction. I played with Sulamith, lying on the floor on a soft rug with her. She had just begun to be able to sit up on her own and this brought new games. Knocking over blocks, bunching up silk scarves with her little fists, shaking things to see if they jingled. She loved peek-a-boo. It was serendipitous that no one interrupted us and I was able to look through my things without interference. When she started to fuss and swipe her beautiful little hands at her face, I knew she was getting tired so I changed her and put her in warm clothes then rocked her and sang to her, paced with her, smoothing her back, and finally nursed her. Soon she was drifting off for the night.

Everything was quiet. I sat down at my desk and wrote a letter. It was clumsy and not particularly elegant, but it was passionate as I begged them not to follow me, to let me go, and let there be an end to the monarchy that was nothing more than a legacy of pain. I begged that they not pressure my brother and sister into taking on that mantle. It was over, and they all needed to see it. It could only bring more pain.

I signed the letter and sealed it then went to my wardrobe and took out my old pink dress, my jeans, and the old green sweater that Fionnuala had knitted me, and I slipped into my old clothes. My shoes had long since fallen apart so I pulled on Rowan's old riding boots. I still had my old shoulder bag as well and I put it over my head and across my body. I walked over to the table in the corner and opened the jewellery box that someone had put there for me. I took out the pearl necklace, the ring that Rowan had given me, and his ring. I would have preferred it to have been buried with him but it was taken off his body and given to me before he was taken back to Fiannasmere to be buried. I placed these things along with the heartsease ring, the ruby jewellery, and the opal earrings in my bag. I placed the circlet in its box and the letter that I had written on top of that, and then returned to the wardrobe and took out a large shawl. I spread it on the bed and very carefully chose what else to bring. A few outfits for Sulamith. Enough diapers to get her through the next day. The little collection of toys that Rowan had carved for her, and all of the little keepsakes he had given me along the way. The blue dress Nessa had made for me, and the pink dress I had worn the night Rowan had asked me to be his. A night gown. Fenna's old hairbrush. I could feel my heart swelling and aching as I took out the things that I could hardly bear to look at but couldn't bear to leave behind. Little pieces of the life that I'd had with Rowan. I carefully wrapped them up in the shawl and tied it so that I had a handle, then looked to my wee sweet babe. I picked up a long length of cloth and spread it out then lifted Sulamith in my arms shushing her and humming, then, as Sarah had taught me, I began wrapping the length of cloth around us crossing and tying it in such a way that it became a baby carrier in the style of the angels. Finally I wrapped another shawl around us, picked up my luggage and slipped out the door, stopping on my way to pick up the circlet and the letter. I walked lightly down the hall to Nimue's room, opening her door then closing it softly and, searching inward for a moment, I willed the candles to light.

I was surprised but not displeased to see my brother there, sleeping in the bed next to her, his arm around her as she slept, her head upon his shoulder. One dark head, one golden. I hadn't realized that they had grown close in that respect. I won't say that seeing them like that, I didn't briefly consider unwrapping my wee babe, leaving her with my brother and sister, knowing she would be loved by them, and then running down to the water's edge to take my own life. But as soon as the thought rose my heart gave a terrible lurch at the idea of leaving my daughter. No, I thought, If I have enough life in me to love this much, I have enough life in me to push forward just a little longer, and try to mend.

I gently touched Nimue's shoulder, then put my fingers to her lips as she woke and turned to look at me. She gently moved Liam's arm and sat up, disregarding her nakedness.

“I couldn't leave without saying goodbye,” I whispered.

“Where are you going?” she asked, dismay and heartache spreading across her face.

“I don't know.” Tears were streaming down my face. “Away,” I half sobbed out the word. I put my arm around her neck and held my cheek against hers as I sat next to her on the bed. “Tell Raphael . . . Tell him thanks, for bringing me back to myself. Tell him that I'll always love him, no matter what.” Then I pulled back and told her seriously, “You and Liam need to leave the castle tonight. Find Raphael if you can, and go. Give me twenty minutes or so head start then leave. Here,” I said, and put the letter and the circlet in her hands. Liam started to stir and I didn't think I could handle his kind eyes at that moment so I rose quickly and opened the door. “Goodby.” I looked at Nimue one last time, at her dark blue eyes staring out at me from her pale face and tousled black hair. I closed the door.