Chapter 15

I ran down the long grey corridors of the castle clutching Sulamith in my arms. Out, silently and invisibly, past the night guard, and down the slope through the trees to the water's edge where I was conceived. I stood there breathing hard and knowing, this time, exactly what I was doing. I opened a doorway to the other world and came through near the 'girl in a wet suit' statue at the northern tip of Stanley Park. I stood in the moonlight and looked out over the water at the girl on the rock. When I was little I always though she was a mermaid and in the soft light, I almost expected her to turn and look at me.

I walked down the paths and through the trees until I came to the bus loop where I sat and waited. It felt like a lifetime had passed since I had last waited for a bus and the alien familiar feeling was difficult to pin down but intense. It was neither frightening nor comforting but some oddly reassuring combination of the two that told me that I was alive. Sulamith stirred and murmured, so I stood and shushed her, rocking from foot to foot as I'd seen dozens of other mothers do. The bus pulled up. It read 19 Metrotown. I fished through my bag asking the driver if the fare was still two seventy five. The massive wad of cash was still there in my bag along with the bit of change left over from what I'd spent over a year earlier. I put a loonie and a toonie in the box, then took a seat about halfway back. I sat, stunned, as the bus passed through the city heading more or less directly east. I watched familiar sites pass by in tear blurred neon technicolour as my two worlds crashed together with brutal force, and when I saw the street sign marked Victoria Drive I reached up quickly, pulled the cord for the bus stop, and then stepped out onto the grimy East Vancouver sidewalk.

'North' my feet said to me, and I let them have the lead. Sulamith began to fuss again so I undid the top few buttons of my dress and shifted her so that she could nurse. I walked along Victoria Drive. Past closed shop windows and all night Chinese groceries. I saw the Hungarian butcher shop that Fionnuala always went to for sausages and the vegetarian eatery where I used to have lunch with Evan. I turned automatically onto a side street and looked up at the naked December trees that lined it. I never thought I'd be back. What happened to that life? I asked myself, then started down the street and followed it to Sheila's house.

It was dark but I climbed the stairs and rang the bell anyway. I heard her before I saw the lights go on, then the porch light flicked on and the door opened. I could tell that I'd woken her.

“Sprite! Am I dreaming?” She stood in her nightgown looking bleary.

“No Sheila. It's really me.” My voice sounded beaten down even to my ears.

She hustled me in, taking my luggage, then looked into my face. Something in me was slipping and I knew she could see it. “Kristabell, what is it?” She looked me over taking in my carefully clutched bundle.

“I was wondering if I could stay for a while . . . and if I could,” my voice broke, “have my job back.”

“Kristabell, why! I thought . . .?” Sheila asked dismayed.

It was the breaking point. Something snapped inside. I put my cheek against my baby's head and went down on my knees. “Rowan . . .” I sobbed. “Rowan died. He's gone. I can't live that life without him! Oh Sheila. I miss him so much. I wasn't ready to loose him.”

It was the first time I'd thought the words, let alone said them. Sheila was on the floor with her arms around me, then she untied the cloth that held Sulamith and lifted her from my arms and took her to another room so that the storm could break and I finally cried for Rowan, for my lost love. There, kneeling on the floor of Sheila's entrance way. I sobbed and it hurt so bad and I really did think that maybe I wouldn't be able to stop. Sometimes I thought it might kill me and I welcomed it because I hurt so bad. How could he die like that? How could we love each other so much and have this happen? He was supposed to be beside me and he wasn't and now I was . . . what was I? I wanted his arms around me and I wanted him to tell me that it was okay, but he wasn't there and it wasn't okay. I'm not okay. This hurts. This feels like it's going to hurt forever. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. The thoughts ran through my head. Your husband died. A true love. You're not supposed to be okay. Suddenly It was Raphael's voice in my head as another torrent of sobs was pulled from my throat and I felt like I might vomit, but the Raphael voice in my head was right. I wasn't supposed to be okay.

I don't know how long I sat there sobbing on the floor of Sheila's front hall. Hours I think. I don't think that I fell asleep or passed out but at a certain point I realized that I had cried myself out for the time being. I felt drained and transparent. I lifted my head off of my forearms. I felt faded but my arms wanted my daughter so I went looking for Sheila. I found them in the living room. Sheila sitting in a rocking chair gazing raptly at my baby. “She's beautiful,” Sheila spoke softly. “What's her name?”

“Sulamith. Rowan and I agreed before . . .” I swallowed. “That we would name her that.”

Sheila rose, passing a sleeping Sulamith to me and offered me the rocker.

“I'm going to make some tea,” Sheila said as she walked from the room.